Everything about you.
I’m scared of how you look at me, I divert my face
I’m scared of how you see me, I stay quiet
I’m scared of what you used to be
and how superior you must of been.
Everything about you scares me,
But one thing that never did was what you say.
Every word that passes your mouth,
I’ve called myself a thousand times
It has no effect, it never did.
Yet your thoughts still penetrate me,
eternally, as I think you must too
For every word you speak, lies words unsaid
It is not those first words which scare me,
But the sea of thoughts which came before,
So it is not the first, but the last of millions.
Now I know there are others
Who have as much hatred for me as I.
I’m scared of myself.
Everything about me scares me,
I live with this sea of thoughts,
Yet I can’t escape mine, or ignore them
As I may yours.
Instead, I live with them,
Every word out of my mouth is part
of a judicial decision.
I take my time in answering everything,
So I can avoid saying something abominable,
I’m told a secret, I’m scared I can’t keep it
I take a drink, I’m scared I’ll lose control
I get behind the wheel, I’m scared I’ll crash
I cut myself, again, I’m scared I’ll lose control
I see a lifetime ahead of the same thing,
scars down my arm, and a bloated belly
I can’t control it, so I escape it.
I thrive in gentle, slowly destructive paths,
Late nights, too much TV, masturbation.
It’s either that, or cut me down in one fell swoop.
And that’s what I’m most afraid of.
That one day I’ll do it.